Monday, June 6, 2011

The Satanic Family (Brought to You by Ford Truck Month)

The air conditioning in my apartment keeps going out for the last couple of weeks.  It's making me insane; even though I like the hot summers in Austin (I'm much the same as your average scorpion, happy to sit under a rock in the desert heat), I don't like indoor heat.  Indoor heat is stupid, because all that happens when I'm indoors and it's hot is that I get slightly more sweat all over my couch.

And since that couch is relatively new, I'm still in the "trying not to ruin the couch" phase of couch ownership.  It seems like it shouldn't be so difficult to just not ruin something, but I like to eat and drink everywhere in the apartment, which is why the bathroom is overflowing with Cup O' Noodles cups and the disgusting floating dehydrated peas that I refuse to eat.  And why the couch has a bunch of Oreo halves (frosting side, obviously) stuck to the back cushions.

Don't judge me.

The other side effect of indoor heat is that it kind of short circuits my brain (the whiskey doesn't help, either), and this kind of heat-dementia usually produces strange waking dreams and ridiculous ideas.  At least other people think my heat-dementia ideas are ridiculous.  I think they're great.  We all know that reality television is the new big phase in entertainment, the biggest thing since the pratfall was invented in 18-dickety-3 after Ulysses S. Grant and the Civil War-era Illuminati stole the word for "sixty."  It's all on the Interbung, people.  But I maintain that current programming kind of sucks.  Sure, it's fun to watch a bunch of rich gaddabouts talk shit about each other to a camera and then have an argument at a five star restaurant, but I grow tired of watching rich and/or sleazy people do their thing pretty quickly.  Unless their thing is MONSTER TRUCKS!

Somebody's Smart Car looks a lot less STUPID ALL OF A SUDDEN, doesn't it?!?  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

But it almost never is.

But my ideas for reality programming are, I think, much more compelling than your average "watch how rich I am" or "washed up celebrities doing things that nobody does"-style competition.  For example, I think America would go crazy for the newest reality drama, "So You Think You Can L.A.R.P.?" coming to NBC this fall.  It's the competition that got America talking about L.A.R.P.-ing again, where they follow a bunch of nerds around a public park for a month and pit them against each other in a series of physical and trivia challenges to see who is the ultimate L.A.R.P.-er.  Who will be the next king of the Cesar Chavez Park in Wilmington, Ohio?  Tune in to find out!

The concept for my favorite idea, though, comes from the metal sphere in which you likely exist if you're reading this.  We're all familiar with the fact that metal exists in two spheres, between which we all move back and forth depending on the degree of our disdain for normal human beings.  I'm talking, of course, about Satanic metal and not-really-Satanic metal.  It's a fact of our lives that metal bands like to reference/approve of/worship/draw cool pictures of Satan.  It's actually something that annoys me the most about being a metal guy, because most people find out that I'm into heavy metal and therefore assume that I sacrifice animals and drink all different manners of exotic bloods from around the world.  It annoys me to be typecasted in this way, but I chalk it up to being something that comes with the territory of having unique and excellent taste in music.

The idea I kept having, though, is what if everything in life broke down in this same way?  What if there were Satanic pop music, Satanic restaurants, Satanic car dealerships?  A Satanic Home Depot for your truly evil home remodeling needs, perhaps?  Then it occurred to me, the perfect place for something Satanic to really take off in real life.

Reality television.

The concept's working title is "The Satanic Family," which will obviously be sponsored by Ford, where Truck Month will save you more money than you ever thought possible on a 2012 Ford F-150, the best selling truck in America.  The idea is that you find a family that is really into being Satanic, kind of like when you see the family of fanatical Baptists or the windy, condescending Atheist family.  In other words, the family would have to identify themselves as Satanists first and foremost, because we all know that when people are cuckoo for belief structures (or lack thereof), they become preachy to the point of being unbearable, even if they're being nice to you.  They would also need to be a sort of nuclear family, preferably with a couple of pets that are always skulking around in the background while the humans discuss how Satan has freed them from the oppression of the Christian pigdogs around a very evil Take and Bake pizza.  The cameras would follow them around their every day lives, taking candid snapshots of what it really means to be a Satanist.  There would be laughter and tears, and everybody would learn how to love again, gathering around the Pentacle drawn on the floor for some wholesome family entertainment that centers on everybody's favorite bad boy, the Prince of Lies.

I imagine that there would be a scene where the son was supposed to clean up after the Friday Family Ritual Sacrifice, but instead sleeps in, much to the father's chagrin.  After they learn how to better communicate with each other, they will go enjoy a Saturday family bike ride, wherein the mother and father will encourage their children to get some exercise and use the time to think about destroying Christ through mountain biking and community service.

It would be a smash hit.

So while I sit back and wait for ABC Family to call me and buy the idea off me for a lot of money, I encourage you to call ABC Family and point them in my direction, because it's very important that America keeps destroying itself through brainless reality television, and I've got the ideas that are going to sell breakfast cereals and 0% financing for 36 months with approved credit.

Either that, or we bring Monster Trucks back into the spotlight.  They're so large and can smash smaller cars!

Fuck Yeah!

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