Monday, June 27, 2011

How to Be A College Radio Sensation (Or: Flying High)

Flying high again!

This past Thursday night (and, timewise, Friday morning), I had the opportunity to guest DJ on my good buddy Will's radio show, "For the Dead."  As somebody with a relentless need for attention (and a frantic desire to try and be funny on every possible media platform [with varying degrees of success]), I spent the better part of the last year and a half sitting around hoping for the opportunity to hang out in a DJ booth and say things on the radio.  It was very natural for me to do, because like I said before, I require constant attention, and I had been mentally preparing to be on the radio ever since Will got his own show.

Now I need to weasel my way onto the television and into a feature film and my cross-platform domination will be complete.

But as it turns out, there are plenty of rules and stipulations that you have to abide by on college radio that you probably wouldn't anticipate.  There are the obvious rules, like not saying "Fuck," or "Cocksucker," or "Pus-filled rectum," or "Snatch odor" or "Cat penis."  Actually, I didn't know that we couldn't say "cat penis," but luckily the subject didn't come up the way that it normally does in the course of our conversations, so it's okay.  But did you know that you can't say "fart" or "doo doo" or "wigger" on the air?  It's true on college radio!  No fart or dookie humor allowed.  And you can't advise people to do things, like check out a show or website, because those are deemed "calls to action," and the radio station doesn't want to be responsible for somebody going all Glenn Beck and urging their fellow UT students to go murder congresspeople or whatever.

I can actually see why they don't want that, but I had to be dumped on-air because I said "Check it out," about the upcoming Ringworm show.  What a world!

Since I'm such a cool guy, I wanted to help you, my readers, worm your way onto somebody's specialty metal radio show the way that I did.  It's fun, and if you want to beam your inane opinions to people on the radio, here's a step-by-step breakdown of how to do it.

Step 1: Make friends with somebody who has a radio show.  This can be difficult, because relatively few people have radio shows, but it's not impossible.  Try handing out pork rinds; Will loves pork rinds, and when I give him pork rinds, he becomes very docile and agreeable.  It's like Inception; you have to make him believe that it's HIS idea that you go on his radio show, even though you've been fantasizing about being the next great radio sensation for years.

Step 2: Is the subject eating pork rinds?  That's good.

Step 3: A series of things that you don't understand and aren't privy to the details of happen and you're asked to be a guest DJ on the metal radio show.  Rejoice!

It's just that easy.

I had tons of fun on the radio and I got to listen to some sweet new stuff, too.

Example: You should be listening to Psychic Limb right now, because they rule.

Check out the playlist and find some stuff to steal or whatever; it's all good stuff.

And I think that this is a good place to announce that Will and I are debuting a Podcast very soon, and since it isn't going to be aired on the radio, I get to say "Cat penis," and "semen graveyard," all I want.  I'll be linking to it, obviously, because you want to listen to me talk about stupid metal news and views, and because my voice is so enchanting.

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