Friday, April 29, 2011

I Want Press Credentials

I have some friends who get to do cool things, like talk to bands that they like and get promo CD's for free in the mail.  Since I'm so cool and low-key, I've never really gotten around to harassing them for details about how to get sweet swag.  And I'm not even saying that I want it for free; I'll fucking pay for the new Anaal Nathrakh album.  I already have (I still preorder albums like some kind of caveman, and you can get confirmation from Candlelight if you want), and I'm likely not going to stop.  And I'm not pandering for free merch, either, though I'll never turn you down if you offer me a free t-shirt.  I once accepted six free Smirnoff Ice t-shirts from my beer distribution job just because they had that many in my size just sitting there. 

U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

I'm not saying any of those things; what I'm wondering is, how the hell do I get into the "advance copies of cool and not cool albums" game?  What do I have to do to start getting compact discs in the mail that have nothing but that little cardboard sleeve, which I love more than my toothless brother, surrounding it?  I want to know.

Keep in mind, however, that this isn't a news site.  I write about whatever I want, whenever I want, and that's how I likes it.  I'm not saying that I don't want to scoop other publications (I already did that here), but I am saying that I don't dig deep.  I don't ask the tough questions.  I have a job that actually pays me money, and as the only dude who has ever written so much as a fucking word for this website, I don't have the time of the day to be investigative.  I have ill-conceived grind projects to work on, and people from bands that I admire to email randomly after the proper amount of alcohol has been added.

And they all know who they are.

I just want to get in on the bandwagon here.  I have journalist friends in the Crusty/Cakey Alliance of Superfriends who can do that stuff, and they always lord it over me, because they know that makes them better than me.  And they're correct.  But I don't want them to be!  Just because I eat Taco Bell's Dollar Menu while they get to feast on Value Meals doesn't mean they are better than me!

Who am I kidding?  Of course that's what that means.

I would just like to extend an invitation to labels and whatever the hell other companies can send me things: Do that.  I'm so tired of waiting for the new Anaal Nathrakh album to come out (and that's what this is really about)!  I don't want to do that shit anymore.  I won't leak your album.  I can only send email and write this crappy blog of mine from this computer, and I don't have the foggiest idea about how to leak stuff.

This is beginning to sound overly desperate and unbelievable, isn't it?  Perhaps some reverse psychology is in order.

Hey labels, please send me stuff to leak because I'm bad and have three tattoos that all espouse the virtues of stealing!

Psst....I think that worked.

I'm just sad because I have to wait for stuff like some peon grunt wang just because I am that.  It's unfair!  This is America, and I should be able to get my way just by making a big stink!


Seriously, though, I don't like stealing from bands that I love, and I hate even more to jump through the hoops of giving them my hard-earned cash dollars.  And in an age where the New York Yankees will, for some reason, leak your social security number to Nigerians just because you wanted season tickets because you suck and have no personality, I don't think it's such a surprise that people are tired of transmitting personal information over the interbung.

Other than what they had to eat that night, complete with pictures, or the gory details of their last bowel movement (if you're into Facebook or this exact blog, respectively).

However, I want to be on the trail, and I think that I've given lots of usable text bites to use in advertisements to make my criticism sound legit.  I mean, just picture the phrase "Gave me a raging D-boner, which I promptly walked into the kitchen with and stubbed in the counter while I emptied the dishwasher."  That sounds like something Earache could would appreciate somebody saying for nothing other than an invite to the "listen to music that you want to hear anyway" party.  Or maybe Relapse or Southern Lord want to float me some new material on the off-chance that I deem it "so good I just crapped on the couch in my sleep, and now my wife has locked me out of the house.  Also I was drunk."

I'm just throwing it out there.

But I'm not going to dig for news; that's for assholes.  I just want to reap the benefits that those fine assholes enjoy is all.  And again, since this is America, I'm sure that I can find a way to reap those benefits without the work.  Perhaps a government program geared toward lazy bloggers?

I'm just saying:  Give me music to listen to.

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