Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2012 Wishlist

So 2011 is finally gone, and we can all really start thinking of how our Mayan overlords are going to exterminate us this coming December.  Like the raptures of the past year, this is clearly something that is dead serious and totally going to happen, so I'd like to welcome our new Mayan ghost masters and let them know that I can be very valuable in the hunt for their stolen gold.  People tell me things, especially when it comes to their adventures in tomb raiding and grave robbing.  As an example, I was with an acquaintance of mine at work.  Following is a snippet of our conversation:

Me: "Hey [name], how was the weekend?"

Coworker: "It was fine.  I went to a Mayan tomb and stole the occupant's gold.  They said it was cursed, but I showed those stinky Mayans who's not dead!"

True story.

Since the Mayans are the only notable aspect of 2012 so far, and I don't like to make fun of civilizations that were exterminated by people who look suspiciously similar to me (well, I do, but I should probably stop), I've decided to put out there for everybody a comprehensive list of things that I want to happen in 2012, so that the many celebrities and industry luminaries and shadowy secret societies that follow my blog can have a good idea of what I think they should be working on this year.

I'm highly considerate in this way.

So here is my 2012 wish list; take notes, because I'm counting on YOU to make sure that most of this happens (if you're Meshuggah or the Nobel Prize committee):

--Trap Them goes on tour and we talk and then we become best friends and have a cooking show together on the CW.  We'll lead in to Nate Berkus, and everybody look under your chair because YOU'RE GOING HOME WITH A BRAND NEW CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

--Martians land on Earth, bringing us peace and love.  Turns out, they were going to stay away forever, but their huge Necrophagist fans, and it turns out the Martians had the new Necrophagist album we've been waiting for the whole time!

--Tosin Abasi takes a sabbatical from Animals as Leaders to hang around Guitar Center, thus stopping every Guitar Center wanker forever and allowing Guitar Center to be the wonderland it's supposed to be.

--Several words: Mouthful of Acid Radio (brought to you by Carl's Jr. and Yellow Rose Austin).

--I start a death metal band with myself, using advanced cloning technology from the Pentagon (I know a guy).  The band immediately breaks up because I'm terrible, and it turns out that four of me is way worse.  I have my clones exterminated, but get to return to my footloose lifestyle thanks to the windfall of kidneys and livers and hearts that I've just created.  I realize that there's a silver lining to having your clones exterminated.

--A new Meshuggah album titled Old Horrors, which will be a concept album about the most frightening movie in the world, Fire in the Sky.  I won't be able to listen to the album.

--I finish the book Atlas Shrugged, finally becoming convinced of the virtues of capitalism and the American way of life.  Thus starts my "Hyper Conservative" phase where I become humorless and start fucking other men at car washes across the nation, which in turn leads to my inevitable disgrace and a return to my roots, where I think stuff sucks again.

--On second thought, I don't actually want to fuck the men at the car washes from the previous item.  Maybe I'll just go ahead and skip that one.

--This blog takes off and I become as rich as the King of Siam.  I finally get to live my dream of flying around the world on a flying island of my own design, the general concept of which has, incidentally, been stolen to form the basis of the upcoming video game Bioshock: Infinite.

--I get to play Bioshock: Infinite.  That one sounds boring, but it's going to be awesome.  Believe me.

--Someone finally takes it upon themselves to develop and make available the cool technology that can be found in the myriad Batman comics/movies/video games, leading to my inevitable death in a flying cape accident.  Upon reading my will, everybody will be astonished to see that I knew it was going to happen years ago.  Enclosed will be a picture of me looking victorious, with a caption that says "Nailed It!"

--Dream Theater finally reads that article I wrote about their latest album and comes through with some tickets to a concert.  COME ON GUYS, YOU NEED TO STEP UP YOUR INTERNET PRESENCE.

--Two words: Flying scooters.

--A new sequel to the video game franchise Skate comes out.  It's so realistic that I can break my ankle for the fifth time while in the comfort of my own home.  The Reda voiceover in the game will declare it "super gnar."

--College football disappears forever without explanation.

--My wife starts to think that my farts are as funny as I do, and she also warms up to Exhumed, leading to a new Golden Age of peace in my household.

--I finally get to see Intronaut live, allowing the band to thank me for the awesome play that I wrote about them.

--I get a couple more able contributors to this blog so that I don't have to only post a couple times a month.  The hilarity never ends!

--Marijuana is legalized, leaving my pothead friends nothing to talk about.  They are forced to grow personalities based on something other than their love for an illegal substance.

--Reggae is outlawed.  It is the only triumph of lawmaking that has ever existed.

--90%  of the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 players are killed in a freak accident involving computer viruses or something, leaving those of us who can't stand them alone to enjoy some friendly multiplayer.

--Kurt Ballou wins the Nobel Peace Prize in the field of Record Production.  At the parade thrown in his honor, Glen Danzig is accidentally run over by a papier mache pterodactyl float and killed.  It's the best day ever.

So there is my 2012 wishlist of things to happen.  I fully expect whoever you are to stop whatever it is you're doing and go make at least one of those things happen, because I can't stand to be disappointed by you any longer, dear reader.  It's killing me, and your mother is always asking me "Why can't he/she be more like [someone else]?"  And I just don't know what to keep telling her.

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