I assume this is going to be the first of several announcements that I foolishly put out into the interbung to coerce people in a feeble attempt to make my life a little bit easier. Here it goes:
I was recently in the Golden State, which is California for those of you who don't follow the colorful or ridiculous nicknames given to certain states based upon asinine or unclear characteristics of the state. I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine, codenamed "Ed" to protect his identity, about the fate of this very blog. I have recreated it here for you so that you can feel the drama of the situation.
Me: "I'm thinking about shutting down the blog. Either that or expanding it. I don't have time to maintain it the way that I would really like to, and I feel like it's got some potential to grow, but I'd need to find some new writers. I don't think I'll be able to find anyone who is interested."
Ed: "You shouldn't shut it down. At least try to find somebody else who can help write for it if you feel like you can't put out enough material by yourself. [Ed runs over a raccoon in his Honda CR-V] Fuck you, wildlife!"
Me: "I don't know [takes a thoughtful swig from a 64 ounce cup of Mountain Dew that I cleverly mixed with Triple Sec]. I don't see anyone wanting to do this kind of thing. But maybe I'll try."
Ed: "You should at least try. And if you can't do anything about it, maybe you can just keep updating it almost never, like you have been for the last few months. Oh, no! It's the evil ghost of Abraham Lincoln, come back to life on Truxton Avenue!"
Me: "I'm getting too old for this shit."
[We exchange a meaningful glance, pregnant with the memories of our many years spent as Hetero Life Partners. The car skids to a halt and we quickly strap on our Proton Packs, preparing, once again, to fight the evil specters that terrorize the fertile Central Valley]
Ed: "Let's show that bastard that stovepipe hats have gone out of style!"
Me: "This is another play he won't see the end of!"
[We fistbump, super bro style]
After we got done busting the ghosts of history's greatest presidents, I realized that Ed might be right; I might be able to find some extra bodies to keep this blog afloat while I play Rage and watch Dexter. So I'm going to put it out there and hope that somebody is interested.
What I'm looking for is one or two people to jump on and give their unsolicited opinion to people (read: nobody) about heavy metal music for literally no money. Let me sweeten the pot, though. Most of the bands that you write about will probably never read your words unless you force them to, which is inadvisable considering the stiff sentences given for kidnapping in the United States. But sometimes they do, and it's a great opportunity to learn about how little your significant other cares about what you write on the interhole (spoiler alert: the answer is "very, very little"). You can brag about it to hobos or subway perverts or the weirdos at the laundromat. The world is your oyster!
So basically I'm asking for one or two people to help me try vainly to be funny on the internet for free.
Sound good? This is what I'd like:
Find my email address. You should be able to find it somewhere on this stupid page. Send me links to writing samples proving that you're capable of writing English and that you have the ability to be like funny. In return, if I like the cut of your jib, we'll come up with a beefy Interweb name for you and start you posting up here. If you're unfamiliar with the format of this page, here it is: I like to invent things out of thin air and make fun of stuff that I care about. In other words, journalism has no place here, unless it's funny, like if the dude from Vader got hit in the face by a swan while he was on some kind of Bavarian rollercoaster. That would be hilarious and also journalism. But stuff like that also mostly never happens.
Since I assume there won't be anybody who responds to this, rest assured that if you're on the brink of giving it a shot, I'll be checking my email obsessively hoping that you'll at least take a stab at it. I'm also not holding my breath.
Also, make the subject line say "MOA Potential Writer," and bonus points will be awarded for including references to boners in the body.
Show me what you've got, internets.