Trap Them-Filth Rations

Cobra Family photo, circa 2011

Allow me to be clear: If you don't like Trap Them, you are wrong.  You are personally what is wrong with America.  You may as well be outside performing sex acts on children, that's how wrong you are.  I know what you're thinking, too.  "Oh, that's extreme.  What would your mom think if she read this?  She wouldn't approve at all."  Don't bring my mom into this, imaginary person delivering dialogue that I invented just now.  Don't you FUCKING DARE.

Now.  Trap Them are a band from somewhere in Washington (state), which I could easily look up but won't.  They are the best band that you've never taken the time to listen to because you a) suck, b) are mentally handicapped (read: a retard), or c) don't like amazing grindcore (read: 99% of living/dead humans). I had the pleasure of experiencing Trap Them live for the third time in fourteen months this past Saturday, and they got my D-boner raging so hard I started knocking stuff over with it.  Playing only the choicest cuts and dedicating the set to me personally (in this comic strip I drew), Trap Them make me giddy as a schoolgirl everytime I see/hear/think about them.  In fact, their set was only barely audible over my girlish screaming, which is surprisingly shrill and piercing.

Anyway, Filth Rations.  As the newest EP of tasty-hot grind, Filth Rations contains some of the hottest, grindiest, most vitriolic tuneage from what could be the greatest band on the planet (for once that's not a joke).  Filth Rations begins with "(Day 38) Carnage Incarnate," a solid opening track that beckons the listener back to "Guignol Serene," from the the band's previous offering, 2008's Seizures in Barren Praise.  The second track, "(Day 39) Degenerate Binds," however, indicates a possible direction for the next Trap Them LP; the song begins with a thrashy intro that explodes into a full-on Entombed-style D-beat assault.  In fact, this song is the standout of the EP, and my wife hopes desperately that they don't write any more songs like this, since she's been having such a tough time keeping our apartment clean with the constant attention I've been giving my D-boner.  It's a hot, sticky mess over here, and I'm already pressing to sign a new lease for next year so our security deposit will go toward "normal wear and tear," and not "disgusting conditions resulting from beating off."  We'll see how it pans out.

Filth Rations finishes off with "(Day 40) Dead Fathers Wading in the Bodygrounds" (what the fuck is that supposed to mean?) and "(Day 7) Digital Dogs with Analog Collars." "Dead Fathers" harkens back to "Mission Convincers"and "Gutterbomb Heaven on the Grid" from Seizures in Barren Praise with it's quasi-doom approach that pits the listener against a repetetive and totally gnarly riff that mostly repeats ad nauseum until the song finally ends about 5 minutes later.  "Digital Dogs," on the other hand, is merely a retread track from the group's debut LP, Sleepwell Deconstructor, which similarly totally rules.

Trap Them just jumped on tour with Skeletonwitch, so if they're coming to your township/village/hippie commune, do yourself a favor and go check out the show.  At the merch booth you'll be able to find the Filth Rations limited-run compact disc (I own one of just 1,000), and you should pick it up unless you have a turntable.  Then you can just get it on vinyl.  However, like I said before, if you don't listen to Trap Them, you're more evil than Glenn Beck, McDonald's, High Fructose Corn Syrup, and Osama bin Laden combined.  Can you deal with being that evil?

If your answer to the above question is "That's offensive and not funny," the real answer is obviously "Yes, I love being that evil.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some child pornography to distribute."  Go observe Trap Them in all their glory.  In fact, the link will take you to their Myspace page (I hate those words more and more lately), where you can hear many of the songs I referenced here and develop your very own Throbbing, Raging, Granite-Hard D-Boner.

Tomorrow, the latest edition of "Gay or Not Gay?*" where I tackle metal's most divisive bands and give you the inside skinny about how horrible they are/are not.