Eyedontget Eyehategod

This blog has given me a great opportunity to share the vast wealth of boner/jizz jokes that I seem to endlessly conjure up over the course of any given day.  It makes me feel good that my 3 readers seem to enjoy the retarded things that I say about music that 99.9% of people couldn't possibly hate more.  It has also given me a great platform to out myself for how uncool/false/lame my taste in music is, especially in front of people who are much tr00er than I am, and whose opinions I actually value.  In the spirit of outing myself and making myself appear to be the lamest metal dude ever, and in honor of the Eyehategod show on Sunday that I will skip (again), I'm finally going to get it off my chest: Eyehategod sucks.  There.  I said it.

Sludge and doom are the two microgenres of my most favorite thing ever that I have had a hard time getting into.  It seems so obvious to some people why I should be listening to this stuff, and the more I listen, the less I get it.  Now, don't get me wrong.  There are outliers in the genres that I actually appreciate, but they tend to be themselves the subject of a certain amount of disdain from the people who "get it."  For doom, I actually enjoy bands like Indian, ATX locals The Roller, Coffinworm, and the newest Thou album, Summit (which you can follow your nose to and hear for yourself).  Sludge is really where my wheels start spinning, though, because the bands I would most associate with the genre that I like, such as Isis, Kylesa, Neurosis, and Howl, would generally be regarded as "false sludge" by adherents to the Eyehategod sound.  The fact that the only sludge that draws me in is False and Ungrim makes me feel like a total turd, and Eyehategod stand with Buzzov*en, Thrones, Saint Vitus, Pentagram, Sunn O))), et al, as a band that people get totally crazy over that I just can't understand the appeal of.

The band I started about how I don't get it, with matching shirts

Now, especially with Eyehategod, I've really tried to get into the whole scene.  There have been several nights where I lock myself in a darkened bathroom with a box of doughnuts and a Chipotle burrito to try and listen closely and meditate upon the sound of Eyehategod's Southern Sludge.  I try all manner of things to unearth the appeal of their slow, poorly-played music, and I am generally pretty good at getting past a bad mix or questionable vocal style to hear the true quality of the music and its underlying intentions.  Eyehategod have eluded me every time.  I'm like Batman, and every time I get close to Eyehategod's Joker, he laughs maniacally and escapes by helicoptor, yelling something clever behind him, like "So long, Batboner!  I'll catch you in the funny papers!"  Or something better.

This phenomenon seems to keep occurring in my life, and the closest I've been able to get to a reasonable explanation is that a) I simply missed the boat, just like I did with Deicide, Obituary, and the greater portion of black metal, or b) that people mistake heaviness of tone and a lumbering tempo for good music.

Heavy tone does not good music make.  I'm looking at you, Sunn O))), and I can see Thrones hiding behind you, too.

With Eyehategod, I took two of their purported "must have" albums (Dopesick and Take As Needed for Pain) and made an effort to listen to them and enjoy them just by virtue of the fact that I don't want to appear any lamer to my cool-dude metal bros.  And the verdict is that Eyehategod either secretly sucks and I'm the only one who can hear it, or that I'm missing some portion of my hearing where the amazing-ness of their music is hidden (which, judging by the general opinion surrounding Eyehategod, seems more likely than the former option).

Rhetorical question: What is the big deal?  Where is the awesome hidden?  Why can't I hear it? (It's not rhetorical, and the answer to the last question is "Because you are an Ungrim faggy anus who should be hated")

I guess I'll just never have it.  *Sigh*