Cut Your Teeth - 2 Hot 3 Handle

I've been an unapologetic Cut Your Teeth fan since the band's initial outing all the way back in 2010.  In fact, I think that my frantic love for their crusty crossover-style thrash/hardcore has been pretty well established ever since I started writing this dumb blog (which was originally designed to attract Russian mail-order brides to me in a misguided attempt to land a second wife so that I could eat six meals a day).  Don't believe me?  Check here, here, here, or here.  I often credit myself with being the band's first ever fan because I heard of them and downloaded their first EP before you did, you boner, and because sometimes I get drunk and email Patrick Lukens and tell him weird stuff about my life.

You see, we're Interhole-friends, Patrick and I, and I usually assume that his stony silence about my sexual dry spells mean "Hey, bro, I'm with you, thanks for being such a cool fan of the band.  You're the best, and you've got such a full head of hair, I can't imagine how you'd ever strike out sexually."

He said that, I assume, and I also assume that it reflects the exact sentiments from the entirety of the band.

So what do I have to say about the newest CYT joint?  Well, I think that we now have enough evidence to admit that Cut Your Teeth is a relentless hardcore party attack.  I don't call them "the original party worms" for nothing.

Pro tip: if you Google "Cut Your Teeth" and look at the images, you'll see this is around the top of page 2.  I'm actually kind of proud of that.

  

Cut Your Teeth once return once again with an EP that is so full of PARTY that after you listen to it you'll have the beer shits.  And everyone knows that the beer shits are the most satisfyingly smelly brand of shits known to man (outside of the Chipotle dumps that I take roughly once every 1.4 weeks, which could cause an apocalypse if accidentally smelled by the wrong combination of  world leaders).  And, as I've mentioned before, I got to hear some of this new album before its release (because I'm so in touch with the underground music scene), and I was immediately critical of it.  I said to the band, "Hey guys, this music might be too pleasing to my hardcore sensibilities, and now I've got the beer shits and my boss is going to be mad."  To which the band unanimously replied "Please stop sending pictures of dicks to us, it's getting really creepy."

But I knew what they really meant.

Looking back, many of my original predictions proved true (especially the stuff about Skrillex and Patrick Lukens' Japanese body pillow/wife), and this newest EP rocks your ass and your balls.  A hot jam like "It's A Party" goes to show that a hardcore, crusty party could sometimes use a little slide guitar,  and "Kegwar" showcases a new dual vocal attack, a shreddy solo and a beefy, spicy D-beat infusion that would wake up the most narcoleptic crusties among us.  And speaking of shreddy solos, check out the cadenza that sits after the short djent-inspired riff on "Ice Cold Beers."  It's like they noticed how much I like the song "Drink Beers" from their first EP and wrote me a short love letter.  Or is that too much to hope for considering the restraining order?

My one complaint about 2 Hot 3 Handle is the album art.  You see, it's got four of the elements that make a great album cover (bears, fire, bros, and money, in that order), but it's missing the crucial fifth element that would make it a classic.  I'm talking about BOOTY, SON!

 Brief moment of seriousness: I actually felt a little weird when I Googled "booty" and looked at the image search results.  Oh, doctor.

 

Without the missing fifth element of album art awesomeness, the album just looks ridiculous.  Just look at the album art at the top of this post and imagine some disembodied booty flying to and fro across the image.  Now that shit would have been epic!  Don't believe me?  Maybe this will convince you of the importance of booty:

People fucking LOVE BOOTY.  COULD HAVE BEEN EPIC, GUYS.

I've been jocking the shit out of CTY for quite a while now.  If you're still on the fence, why don't you just go to their Bandcamp page and listen to some of the hottest and tastiest crusty jamz available at the "Name your price [no minimum]" price point?  Why don't you just stream the albums on Spotify?  Why don't you stop being a dickhole and start sending them tasteful nudes you painted them like a normal human being?