Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Nails--Unsilent Death

I talk a lot about my friends on this stupid pointless blog of mine, don't I?  My friends are important to me, though; they keep me from hanging out exclusively with my wife, which is good because then she gets a break from my myriad earthy odors and saucy turns of phrase.  And then she doesn't murder me in my sleep!  It keeps her sane, and it helps me by giving me the opportunity to make abortion jokes, conceptualize pornographic video games, get grim, and generally feel less like the weirdo shut-in that I'm quickly evolving into.  One of my favorite friends to talk about is the Artist Formerly Known as the WZA'd; he makes it easy.  He's always saying interesting things that make my head feel like it's going to explode, like "I'm really into this noise 'zine lately," and showing you a 'zine full of black and white pictures of dudes mashing microphones into guitar distortion pedals.

I was over at his swinging bachelor pad a couple of weeks ago, and we were getting down with some tasty tuneage, which is our normal fashion.  After enduring the excruciating strains of Winter and assorted other sludge bands, I hijacked the DJ position and started playing some cool grind.  This is where I first heard Nails.  Nails is totally sweet, but being a college student, the Artist Formerly Known as the WZA'd was quick to point out how over Nails he had become.  "Why?" I asked.  "This sounds totally up your alley, and it rules in general."  He looked at me with the disdain that only a second year college student who has decided that he knows more than everybody can conjure and said "Because the singer is a COP, dude.  A COP!"

WZA'd (imagined) "Fuck tha po-LEESE"
 WZA'd (actual) "Playing D&D will make me a better video game designer!" *Retainer falls out of his mouth* "Oh no!  My mom's going to kill me!"
We argued for a while about whether or not this made any difference, and in the end, neither of us were convinced of the other's argument.
But Nails, whether or not they could be deemed less tr00 than their grind peers because of the singer's chosen profession, are great.  They bring The Heavy and stroke my raging D-boner with an intensity that can only be matched by my morning bowel movement.  And that's really intense, like driving a Hyundai Accent through a Burmese rice paddy while soldiers place bets on which landmine you're going to trip.  Nobody should ever have to do it, but I take the bullet for mankind.  I'm just that kind of guy.

Such glorious heaviness and raging vitriol spewed forth by Nails reminds us that, though police officers are sworn to protect and serve their fellow man, they don't have to be happy about it.  In fact, I would argue that a police officer would have far more of a right to this kind of whirlwind fury, considering they spend most of their time either dealing with mundane annoyances (like noise complaints) or bearing witness to the most horrifying things that humans can do to each other (like a neighbor chopping a victim's head off over a noise complaint).  Let him scream, I say!  And just because I'm supporting police officers here doesn't mean that I'm not terrified of them (which I absolutely am); I'd just rather have this dude making great grind than planting drugs on my person after catching me jaywalking.  It's just better for me.

I was going to post a link to a mediafire download, but since I'm terrified of a law enforcement official somehow finding out that I'm aiding people in stealing his music that every normal person hates, I'm not going to do it.  But it is easy, so check it purchasing it through a lawfully-designated outlet...for America.

I can't go to prison!  I'm too pretty, and also I'm kind of a pussy!