Friday, February 11, 2011

Irony Out of Metal

Since I have not been listening to anything new, I'm going to climb back on my soapbox for a few and relate to you all something that has been on my mind for quite a while now.  Look back for meaningful content in the future, but for now I RANT.

I went and saw an amazing show toward the end of last year.  The bill was Lecherous Nocturne with Vader and Immolation.  The show started off rocky with some local Houston band that wore matching t-shirts OF THEIR OWN BAND, except the singer, who had added a patch with his band's logo to a bulletproof vest.  It was ridiculous.  They stumbled through a set of poorly-played death metal and skulked away, clearly not happy with the lukewarm reception people had given to their shitty music.  They should know, being metal d00dz, that those of us who are tr00 are highly judgmental of badly-written/generic music, but they were obviously looking to have stolen the show from Vader and Immolation (which, after seeing both bands play, I can tell you will never happen).  Then a strange thing happened; Lecherous Nocturne was setting up and a gaggle of teenage halfwits stormed the indoor stage at Emo's, wearing brand-new looking fitted caps at jaunty angles which were very carefully matched to their warmup shorts.

I had forgotten.

Iwrestledabearonce and several other bands of their ilk were playing the outside stage at Emo's that same night, forming metal's oddest and most irritating double bill; on the inside stage, brutal death metal for people who don't fuck around about their brutal death metal, and on the outside stage, heavy metal's tween-pleasing superbill that appeals most to people who get dropped off at the show by their parents and dudes who dress just like their ugly girlfriends, all tatted out, draped with skinny jeans and vacant faces.

These cretinous wangs invaded the inside stage and proceeded to hardcore dance through Lecherous Nocturne's set, much to the chagrin of the band.  They still gave it their all and played a great set despite the high school having sent their remedial class on a fieldtrip to Emo's.  I spoke to their singer at length (I think his name is Jason, and he's a very cool guy) after the set, and he relayed to me his distaste for the goings-on that were plaguing this show.  Then we spotted a fat kid wearing this:

Picture, if you will, that the above shirt was purple.  Upon gazing at this, our sadness and disdain for the kids at the show became palpable, hanging in the back of my throat like the taste of vomit.

Irony was here.

Irony is something that I'm getting tired of.  It used to be that people could see something that was actually ironic and could enjoy it for what it was; usually unfortunate and kind of funny.  Now the term "irony" means that people like things that suck, and they know that these things suck but they make like they like them anyway so that other people with this mentality will think they are clever.  Which they are not.  They just like to wear leiderhosen and say "I love this; doesn't it suck so hard?  Amazing!"

I'm fucking tired of it.

For us dudes who spend our lives in the pursuit of this music, it's no joke.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that I don't realize that Cannibal Corpse is over-the-top misogynist gore, or that bands like Prostitute Disfigurement and Vulvectomy aren't crazy and ridiculous to the outside world.  But to me and countless other people, metal isn't a joke.  It can be funny, like Anal Cunt singing "Your Family is Dumb," or recounting throwing a Down's Syndrome baby into a reservoir, but it's not a joke.  However, our society at large is becoming so accommodating to these braindead mongoloid dickholes that we have to simply deal with seeing the guy in cutoff shorts and sequined cowboy boots drinking a Lone Star through a Crazy Straw at a Goatwhore show.

Or worse, we have to sit back and deal with our icons being degraded in this fashion:
Words can't describe how badly I'd like to get rid of whoever made this atrocity

Or, you can consider this fellow:
  There is no way this dude actually listens to Mayhem.

I don't listen to Mayhem.  I don't like Mayhem.  I'm also not Buddhist, and would never dream of defiling a Buddha statue just so that I might look impressive to others.  But this is what allowing this rooster-headed penishole to sew a Mayhem logo on his faggy sweater is equivalent to.  He's invading our culture to make himself appear cool and knowledgeable.  This needs to stop forever.  If Mayhem the band actually ever laid eyes on the dude above, I'm confident that Satan would have several more pints of hipster blood to slake his thirst.  I'm tired of having high school kids ruin an otherwise amazing and virtually perfect Vader show just because their parents don't have the sense to beat the shit out of them when they get dumb haircuts and start wearing lady pants.  It's disgusting.

 I'm not advocating violence against these people; I think fighting and attacking people for what they wear and how they act is deplorable and horrifying.  Unless you find the asshole who decided to besmirch Black Flag's logo; please kill him.

Irony: get out of metal!

1 comment:

  1. "the guy in cutoff shorts and sequined cowboy boots drinking a Lone Star through a Crazy Straw at a Goatwhore show." is funny because it's true