Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Speculation Center--Lock Up is Not Coming to A Town Near Me

This is Monsoon Cobra reporting from The Motherfucking Speculation Center.  It's time to speculate!

*Montage of me turning around dramatically*

In the spirit of depriving me of things that I would or do really like, Lock Up has announced a North American headlining tour with Goatwhore and Strong Intention as support.  For those of you who aren't familiar with Lock Up, it's a super group consisting of Tomas Lindberg (At the Gates, Disfear), Shane Embury (Napalm Death, Venomous Concept), Nick Barker (ex-Dimmu Borgir and several other embarrassing projects), and Anton Reisenegger (whose name I can spell pretty well because I lived under the reign of the Governator for years.  He signed my college diploma!).  To further inform you if you don't already know, Lock Up kind of fucking rule, and with so many heavies playing all in one band, you'd be remiss if you didn't go check this out, unless you live in Texas, in which case you have a viable excuse for not going.

The Speculation Center news computer has compiled a simulation of what I assume will be going on behind the scenes on the Lock Up tour.  Here is a brief transcript:

Tomas Lindberg: "America sure is cool.  I wish I didn't live in Sweden or whatever, where I have free health care and a longer life expectancy.  I'd rather be subsidizing the huge bonuses for CEO's like my superior American masters."

Shane Embury: "At least while we're here we don't have to be subjected to Monsoon Cobra's awesome power.  I'm frightened of his raw energy and devastating good looks, which is why we aren't going to go anywhere that he can personally attend a show.  I've seen to that!"

[Everybody laughs a villainous laugh while simultaneously looking over their shoulders to make sure I don't come popping out of the shadows like a Fucking Boss, because I do that sometimes]

Anton Reisenegger: "If there's one thing that I like, it's depriving Monsoon Cobra of the opportunity to enjoy our music live, even though if we ever met we'd immediately be best friends."

Nick Barker: "Yeah, just like when I was in Cradle of Filth.  Right?"

[Tomas Lindbergs sighs loudly in response]

[End communication]

For those of you who aren't being persecuted by the awesome band Lock Up, tour dates are below.  Go check them out and tell them that I forgive them, but I've also got my eye on them.

Lock Up w/ Goatwhore and Strong Intention…
2/08 – Buffalo, NY @ Club Infinity
2/09 – Albany, NY @ Bogies
2/10 – Boston, MA @ Club Lido
2/11 – Montreal, QC @ Katacombes
2/12 – Tortonto, ON @ Wreck Room
2/13 – Chicago, IL @ Reggie’s
2/14 – Columbus, OH @ Alrosa Villa
2/15 – Baltimore, MD @ Sonar
2/16 – Brooklyn, NY @ Europa

Visit Lock Up on interbung:

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