Monday, January 10, 2011

Metal Pits are Bullshit

This subject is something that's been on my mind for a while.  In my formative punk rocker days, the mosh pit was a venerated place to be; in fact, if you weren't participating in the moshing fun at a punk show, your mere motives for being there were in question.  Don't you want to properly enjoy the band who's playing for you right now?  However, as I grew up and my tastes evolved from punk to hardcore to metal to REAL metal, the shows I attended began to take on a different flavor, specifically from the pit area.  You see, heavy metal dudes don't know how to participate in a mosh pit.

The social perception of the mosh pit is could best be summed up thusly: being in a mosh pit is like going to Chris Brown's house.  You WILL GET BRUTALIZED.  Young meatheads are well aware of this societal norm, and it colors their mindset toward their own participation in the pit, invariably to the detriment of EVERYBODY ELSE'S showgoing experience.

I still wallow in my fond memories of The Pit.  It was a place where we all got together, put our arms around each others' necks, and waved our arms around to show appreciation and enthusiasm for the musicians' performance.  We were a swirling eddy of Good Time Bro Jammin Comraderie, invulnerable to the outside world that was filled with (perceived) political injustices, (supposed) invasions of our inalienable rights, and (worst of all) homework.  And bedtimes.  This was high school, so that shit still applied to me.  We would emerge sweaty and breathless, slappin' five to our new friends and screaming at the band for more.  The last pit I participated in was at Funfunfun Fest 2009, during the mighty D.R.I.'s set, and it was fantastic.  If you were there (probably you weren't) you would have seen me, soaked in mud and rainwater, flailing my arms like a dumbass to some old-school crossover badassery.

This is, of course, the description of the punk pit, which is a relative rarity for me to lay eyes on these days.  My attendance of punk shows has dwindled to virtually nothing in the last 10 years or so, as I've been spending my time on the pursuit of The Heavy.  Metal pits are kind of the polar opposite of the punk pit.  It's full of meaty dumbasses who think that they are there to hurt people.  Look at that picture above and you'll see a pretty standard representation of what a metal pit looks like (though this is clearly not a metal pit.  I think they were moshing to Matchbox 20 or something similarly gay, but the mindset is exactly the same).  Going to a metal show and seeing the pit ranges from mildly annoying to completely infuriating. 

On a good day, it's full of yoked out morons in high school football T-shirts who crash headlong into anyone and everyone at terminal velocity.  Go to a metal show and watch the pit, and you'll see several dudes walking around, scanning the area for someone to get a running start at, then pummel with the full forces of their running bodies.  They generally scan for somebody that they feel confident won't fight them, or that they at least feel that they can take in a fistfight.  When their gaze settles upon you, it's like being one of the characters in a cartoon stuck on a desert island.  He's clearly hungry, and you've just turned into a fucking roast chicken, and he's COMING FOR YOU.  Your only hope is to be tall and beefy yourself and keep a disapproving look on your face (which is my chosen strategy), or to be nimble enough to leap out of the way just before impact so that the asshole mongoloid fuckface crashes into somebody's girlfriend or something.  Then you get to watch him sheepishly apologize before going RIGHT BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.

Now, I hate that shit I just described to no end.  Luckily for me, Austin isn't much of a mosh town and only really goes for it after being compelled to do so by the singer of a band during what has to be a really good show.  Then it usually peters out pretty quickly and people just headbang in place or text message each other or something.  However, the greatest scourge of heavy metal today is found in the pit but is far, far worse than just highschool non-graduates running frantically back and forth.  I'm talking about hardcore dancing.


I know dudes that hardcore dance, and though they may be great dudes, and though I don't really want to alienate them, the above statement still absolutely applies to them, too.  I'm sorry.

Hardcore dancing is the worst of the worst.  I hope that I'm preaching to the choir here, but if you like to hardcore dance and fight invisible ninjas and get into real fights at shows, fuck you.  Like, super hard.  I've been to way too many shows that have been regular old ruined or even canceled because of buttlicking, faggy hardcore dancing.  That's right, shows have been SHUT DOWN because the dick-sucking hardcore dancers think it's cool to go punch people in the face for no reason and start fights that turn into brawls once they're losing and their crew jumps in.  I hope that stupid shit trend is over with soon, because I'm about tired of cartwheeling lunatics in ironic T-shirts prancing around ruining Vader and Immolation shows.

I felt like that needed to be said.  Moshers, if you're at a metal show, I can assure you:


And if you want to dance, go to the club and groove to some hip-hop bullshit.  Stay out of my shows.  Again, for good measure:


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